Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke: Simmons’ sailing gag triumphs

A witty pun about a sailing trip has been named the funniest joke at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

Comedian Mark Simmons was voted the winner with his gag: “I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.”

The U&Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe is chosen by members of the public from a shortlist drawn up by judges.

The nautical one-liner was ranked among the best by 40% of those surveyed.

Simmons is somewhat of a Fringe veteran.

He performed his first solo show at the festival in 2014 after a friend convinced him to do an open mic night.

A previous gag was voted the second best joke at the festival in 2022 and he has also placed 6th and 9th in the contest.

The comedian will be performing his More Jokes show at Liquid Rooms Annexe until Saturday 24 August before returning to his 200-date debut UK tour.

Simmons said: “I’m really chuffed to win U&Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe.

“I needed some good news as I was just fired from my job marking exam papers, can’t understand it, I always gave 110%.”

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. – Mark Simmons

2. I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward… two steps back. – Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. – Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. – Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes – Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? – Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I’ve cracked it. – Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had – Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. – Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. – Sarah Keyworth

12. I’ve got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I’d never bought her that vineyard – Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don’t naturally multiply. – Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher – Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people – Olga Koch

Originally from Canterbury, Simmons was named the winner of Comics Comic Award in 2022.

Simmons has appeared on UK panel show Mock the Week and produces the Jokes with Mark Simmons podcast.

Previous winners of the coveted Joke of the Fringe Award include Lorna Rose-Treen, Masai Graham, Ken Cheng, Olaf Falafel, Tim Vine, Rob Auton, Stewart Francis, Zoe Lyons and Nick Helm.

A panel of comedy critics attend hundreds of shows, listening out for the best jokes before drawing up a shortlist of 10 favourites.

The jokes were then voted on anonymously by 2,000 members of the public who were asked to select their top three.

The Edinburgh Fringe is the world’s biggest performance art festival and takes place over three weeks every August.